We’ve all had that moment where we are sitting in the waiting room of our local dentist idly staring at a trashy magazine wondering who’s the best dressed – Beyonce or Angelina Jolie?

Who needs pain killers and anti-depressants when you have them in the convenient form of ‘The Kardashians’, you know those sisters who are famous for… well nobody knows why they are really famous but we watch them as they galavant in their big houses and flashy cars while crying about the troubles of the modern world – like will Scott Disick ever be sober? And while we lament over the troubles that reality stars endure on Twitter and Instagram, we can ask, does our up-and-coming generation really know how to succeed in this world?

The ideology that brains and individuality will be key to our accomplishments and success is only a novelty. What young boys and girls need to learn is if you want money, fame or any type of triumph then it is all about synthetic smiles and having a glitzy perfume bottle with your name slapped on the front.

Here then are a few tips to succeed in the world of today:

Tip One – You need some type of management. Preferably a slimy middle-aged man who constantly smells of stale beer, is probably corrupt and in about a year or two he’ll sell a cheap story to the press about you and there will be a court order and everybody will know about it. But then there is no such thing as bad publicity. Right?

Tip Two – Act stupid. Didn’t you get the memo? Being intelligent is so last year. The new trend is senseless chic and every model is sporting the look. Haven’t you seen the bimbos twirling their perfectly blow-dried hair between their flawlessly manicured fingernails, while giggling at some alpha male’s mundane joke.

Tip Three – Do something controversial. Whether it’s taking your clothes off, dating someone double, even triple your age or even doing a ‘Britney’ by having a mental breakdown and shaving all your hair off. Nothing is too drastic if it means that you’ll end up signing a flashy contract for your reality TV show about the strenuous journey back to recovery.

Tip Four – After the scandalous court case with your former manager and the end of your TV show which everyone knew was destined to fail but you, of course… you can relax by marrying the man of your dreams who by the way you met on Tuesday. There will be a lavish wedding and it’ll be the front spread of OK! magazine and everyone who’s famous for being famous will be there. What a truly sincere night it will be!

If once you follow all of the tips above correctly you should find yourself with a failed marriage and a cancelled reality TV show while also being left with two children, no money, and a bunch of fake friends with no leg to stand on because when you could have got some qualifications you were too busy climbing your way to fame. Don’t worry, because now you’re probably going to be the new face of Iceland. Lucky you!!

By Sumayyah Ismail

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